She penetrates my thoughts at random intervals, when least expected, my own personal circle of life, everything comes back to her in time. My carousel of romance, she pulls me around and around, I am just clinging steadfast on my white horse, merrily traversing the ups and downs of romance, her sweet soft calliope music of a voice beckoning me onwards, teasing me relentlessly, imploring me constantly, expressing breathlessly, “I am right around the bend.” I lean forward, hoping, yearning, exuding the quintessential portrait. A white knight on my white horse, galloping ever forward towards her, ready to sweep her off her feet. Another twist of the carousel, I sneak a glance, but her singing voice still so far; I continue to sit undeterred, insanely trotting an infinite loop, but yet, I think she is getting closer. I might have spied her sitting provocatively on a black swan half an arc away, pleading for me to catch her and whisk her away.
My mind valiantly, passionately, achingly screams
Pause, Freeze, Hold, Capture, Encapsulate, Burn these feelings
Permanently in my soul
Again, I yell vigorously, adamantly, incessantly for time to
Live forever right now
In her arms
My heart stops, love arrhythmia, uneven patterns
Delicious flashes of bliss mixed with delectable gratification
Relished with multitudes of satisfaction, garnished with dashes of zest and spice
Run haphazardly through my body
My eyes stop, unblinking, braving blindness to see your smile
Your face, as soft moonlight from the windows bathes you in starlit sparkles
Your seductive stares
Captivated by your inner beauty and alluring soul
Ecstatic in your arms as you hold me close
My mouth stops
Above yours, stealing small flirtatious kisses
Breaking and entering lasciviously with my tongue
Warmth of your breath, tasting your lips
I quickly surrender to the waves of pleasure flooding my body
Drowning me in pools of luxurious exaltation
I can no longer stop
I desire you
I need you
I want you
Silky sweet kisses plant hopeful goosebumps atop my skin
Nervous anxious wonderful amazing butterflies
Spring forth in my belly
Sweat glistens, a golden aura, sparkling in the night like fireflies
Meteor showers of exquisiteness
My idyllic garden oasis
After a lifetime journey through barren deserts of wasted emotions
Unrequited love, and foolish mirages
I came to a stop
Upon first seeing you
That long wished-for pot of gold at the end of the rainbow
The Holy Grail, Atlantis, My own personal treasure
Together at last, tonight, still unbelieving
My mind stops
Uncomprehending, perplexed, puzzled, baffled
At this amazingly beautiful woman
I pictured in my dreams
Laying beside me
I turn slowly, cautiously
My breath stops
Inhaling these feelings, images, sensations, emotions
I whisper to her
As I stood washing my face yesterday evening in the harsh unflinching glare of my bathroom lights, I paused for a moment and stared at the person I had become. A reflection of myself equally unflinching was looking back at me, with a bemused look on his face, and asked, “When did you start becoming so afraid, and stop taking risks?” I gasped audibly, exhaled defeatingly, and was struck speechless. I mean, it is not often when your mirrored self asks you a question. So, it was of little surprise that I had no immediate response. However, after continuous condescending shakes of his head, and knowing smirks, I could stand him no more, and still being unable to answer his query, rapidly shed myself of my own bullying persona by quickly shutting off the lights, and headed toward my bedroom without looking back. I still heard him laughing and chuckling behind me as I walked down the hall into the safety and risk-free zone that had become my life.
Do you see me as I see you?
Look closer still
Stare upon my features betraying my hidden feelings
Penetrate the weeds of my five o’clock shadow
Search for the faint trace of my radiant grin as it forms
Aping your genuine smile as you laugh with another
Peer past the glaring windows of my glasses
Serving as prisons containing, oppressing, hiding, obscuring
My tender, loving, pleading, hopeful, yearning gaze
Imitating yours as you observe your lover
Soft breezes caress my skin with traces of your perfume
I breathe in deeply
Holding your scent within me, longing to hold you instead
My eyes flutter, my heart pounds furiously
My brain shouts, begs, implores me to exhale
My body shakes, then breaks
I let forth a breath
My dreams evaporating rapidly away from me
Reality sets in
Can’t you hear me?
Audible electrical impulses resonate outward from my soul
Maelstrom of emotional currents, tidal waves of desire
Hurricane force showers of affection
Thundering throbbing heartbeats
Tornado gusts of passion, earthquakes of joy
Jealousy rains down as your head tilts sideways
Catching a softly spoken whisper from your man
For a moment, my thoughts deceive me
A brief intermission
Wistfully pondering you hearing my silent pleas
Heard the lightning crashes between us
Paused to reflect, tilting your head in curiosity
Listening to the calamitous cacophony emanating from my heart
Once again, reality sets in
Can’t you feel me?
My gentle touches, subtle strokes, soft playful squeezes
belie my intent, are contrary to my want
Rough passionate kisses, demonstrative strokes, hard emotional hugs
Copycat your public physicality with your other
I am confounded
Can you see me?
You avert your eyes from the truth
Can you hear me?
Your nervous chatter mutes my words
Can you feel me?
You avoid getting close to the answer
One you know is real
One you are afraid to reveal
I am not invisible, yet you choose me to be
Making me perpetually scream internally
I shall be silent no more
As I do you
I am a river.
Flowing, meandering, streaming fatally towards my destined end.
I carve a path through mountains, valleys, plains, and grasslands.
Born from drainage runoff, natural springs, and groundwater recharge.
I grew in power, volume, mass as I matured.
The stillness of my surface betraying the churning, rushing, chaotic depths
Hidden deep beneath my mirrorlike exterior.
A facade decades in the making, however,
Small bouts of rapids, whitewater, foam explode forth along my travels.
Dangerous moments harming anyone daring to plunge into my waters.
Daredevils, courageous souls, bravely ride out my many emotions.
Along for the wild journey, waiting for the calm ahead.
Praying it comes quickly.
Pummeling everything in front of me.
Wishing I could move slower, take my time
And not free fall over the precipice so suddenly.
Quickly silenced by opposing forces, human interference
Designed to control me, sculpt me, mold me.
Into an unatural state.
Levees, dams, canals, mills, hydroelectric plants
Determined to use me for their purposes.
But steadfast, I stream on.
I seek tributaries, creeks, brooks to join me.
I need their companionship, their life, their force
To propel me forward.
Lonely, I push on.
Through floods of tears causing mass destruction.
Through droughts which nearly end my existence.
I move on, searching, yearning, listening to the babbling
Of others looking to meet.
Some touch me, linger, then go their own way, yet again.
Others stay with me, replenish my life, as they drain slowly away
And we become one.
I hold a special place in my sedimentary soil for them.
Buried deep, memories, love, and gratitude for being
A part of me.
And yet no longer there.
Swelling broadly, my banks overflowing, teeming with life still,
Hoping to cascade longingly, gently into a great lake.
Dually filled with the soul of my interconnected braided brethren,
To spend eternity forever splashing loving waves
Against the coastline.
As a tribute to my long love affair with the band, and also, a chance to reunite with some of my favorite songs before attending their concert at 930 club today (YES!!!), I have compiled (after numerous revisions and lots of back and forth between songs…damn, it was harder than I thought!) my top ten Snow Patrol songs. And here they are in no particular order:
Run - It began here. In 2005, during an episode of Rescue Me, this song started playing over a montage, and I was immediately struck by the way it spoke to me on an emotional level. It is hauntingly depressing, but contrastingly uplifting at the same time. There is hope, and loss. There is strength and weakness. Whenever it pops up on my iPod, it still captures my full attention and I inevitably hit repeat as I sing it at the top of my lungs.
One year later,
It still feels unreal.
Has it been that long already?
It feels like I spoke with you a little while ago.
Or maybe that’s because whenever I check Itunes,
I still find “Half The Man I Used To Be” as my number one played song.
I don’t think anything will top 142 listens.
You sat at my computer for a week with that song on repeat.
Now, it sits on my laptop, a constant reminder that you are no longer here.
An eternal stamp of one moment in time,
When we shared our lives.
All I have left is that number now.
But, every couple of weeks, I add to it,
Thinking of you. Continue reading →
“Beware the Ides of March,” as the soothsayer so famously warned Julius Caesar in William Shakespeare’s play of the same name. My family should have heeded those warnings as March has not been a kind month for us. Last year, my brother, Ricky, was taken from us too soon at the end of March, and 7 years ago today, my father finally succumbed after his long battle with cancer. So, yeah, I can certainly empathize with Caesar and state that March definitely is a troublesome month. Seven years, has it truly been that long? It doesn’t get easier. I certainly miss my dad. Some days more than others. I wish he could have been around for some of my milestones, some of the things he would have been happy to see, and to have experienced with me. Some of my successes, and I certainly could have used him around during some of my failures. I have been carrying him around in my heart though, so I hope that was enough. I hope those times when I think of him, in some ethereal way, my thoughts reach outward into the void, and find him. I hope he is happy and proud of the man I have become. And the man I am still trying to be. I hope he realized how much of an impact he had on my life. I hope he realized how much I loved him, I didn’t say it enough. I hope he felt it though. So, doesit get easier? Not really, but you kind of cope with the loss and press on. But still…
“Wait, wait, stop the wedding!” (apologies to Etta James for stealing her famous lyrics), but her song truly epitomizes the dreamy loving moments captured and thrown at us by Hollywood which cause every hopeless romantic to swoon and fall metaphorically in love with Love every time. “Cause you belong to me, and I belong to you, and deep down inside me now, I know you feel that way too,” the song continues in an effort to convince her one true love to break off his engagement to what she believes is the wrong person, and run dramatically to her, swoop her off her feet, and ride away into that magical sunset. End scene.
Of course, that never happens in real life. There is a reason we are called “hopeless” romantics, because there is no hope for us. Ever. A reason it is called “unrequited” love, because it will never be returned. EVER. Imagine your own wedding day, an ex from your past suddenly burst forth through those church doors, causing gasps of awe and shock throughout the congregation, and blurted out his/her true feelings about you, imploring you, begging you, to call off the wedding, you are making a horrible mistake and you need to leave the altar, and spend the rest of your life with him/her (your one true soulmate). What would happen? He/she would promptly be escorted from the building, and nervous laughter would slowly swell into choruses of “That was crazy,” “What an idiot,” and the ever popular, “That was so embarrassing.” Then said wedding would continue on, after the inevitable lame joke by the priest/civil servant/presiding official, and you would sail into the aforementioned sunset with the person you said you were going to marry, and not think twice. Continue reading →
Am I dreaming?
That special feeling of unmitigated happiness and joy arising from one moment
A moment where nothing matters, where everything is in the now
Wish fulfilled, love actualized, nirvana reached, paradise found
A dream realized
Is there anything better than happiness?
Elation, giddiness, laughter, hope, smiles
That butterflies in your stomach-time stretching out and extending infinitely-keeping you in A moment of pure destiny-thinking it’s a dream-but knowing it’s reality-hoping to God it Never goes away-nervousness-fumbling-feeling of joy that only happens every now and Again?
Nope, nothing better than that Continue reading →